I remember lying on the hospital bed in pre-op after 2 days of pills had left me feeling guilty, unsure and very, very sad. The doctors now needed to do their work. I was clammy with too much emotion.
Eric sat beside me and my only clear thought was that I didn't think I could do this again. I didn't want to be so sad, I didn't want the questions of "did I do something wrong", I didn't want the pain of loving.
I think Eric prayed but really I don't know. I was inside my head talking to God, repeating over and over, "I don't think I can do this again." I was scared and needed Him, needed to keep talking to Him.
"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." (Isaiah 41:13)
Then Jesus came. He let me hold my baby. A baby girl swaddled and wearing a pink knit hospital hat. I remember her sweet chest just showing where the blanket wrapped around itself. And I knew her. I knew she was mine. I realize this sound crazy because there wasn't a baby left in my body. But I know this more than I know anything of this world. Jesus was there, closer than close.
He is truth. He is reality.
I would try again and He would be with me, whether our next baby lived for me to hold in my arms on this earth or not. He is enough. I wasn't given a "you'll try again and everything will be turn out the way you want" vision. It was more solid than my desires. Jesus was there and would always be there.
He was speaking into my life and my circumstances but it was truth for eternity.
His presence is more precious than any gift, more grounded than any grand oak, more powerful than the strongest wind. Experiencing Jesus, living IN Jesus, is more real than anything or anyone I've ever known.
"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." (John 1:1-5)
A gift born from sadness and steps of faith in Christ.
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